Back By Popular Demand

Well it seems you are all waiting with baited breath for another post (I feel so loved!) so after numerous messages asking me why I haven't updated, here I am. I have been super busy now that the kids are out of school for the summer, which of course brings mixed feelings every year. We have kids in two different schools, so scheduling and timing during the rest of the year is crazy to say the least. So while it's nice not to have to deal with that, the all day-every day UFC-like fighting between the two little ones and the constant "I'm BORED! There's NOTHING to do!" from the older one is enough to drive a sane person nuts. Luckily I went insane years ago, so I just roll with it.

Alright, onto the TT update. Nothing overly exciting to report (bummer, huh?) The pain is gone (unless I sneeze or cough or laugh which literally feels like someone plunging a machete through my guts) and there is really only tightness and mild discomfort now. I notice it mostly at night, and find getting a full or good night's sleep to be nearly impossible to achieve, which certainly makes for a Grouchy Pants Mommy during the day. I have however managed to be able to sleep sort of on my side with lots of pillows this week, so that's a bonus. My back is still KILLING me, I can't even begin to tell you how bad of shape it's in. It aches 24/7 and sometimes feels so sore that I want to just sit and cry. I am STILL walking hunched over and it's really getting old now (no pun intended). I try and try to straighten up but I just can't. I actually thought I was standing straight and tall last night and I showed my husband, all proud of myself. He sort of just looked at me and said "what are you doing?" and I said "LOOK, I'm standing straight"....then he informed me that no, I wasn't. LOL so much for that. Ugh.

Something else I noticed the other night is hard lumps forming under my incision. The entire incision feels like it has a rope running under the skin, and some spots have larger knots than others. I freaked out a little (ok, a lot) but thanks to the internet, learned that this is normal and is the reason they tell you to massage the incision (which I had been doing) so I have kicked up the massage a notch and actually am going to buy a small foam paint roller as suggested by someone on a discussion forum. That's right, a paint roller. You run it along the incision to help break up the lumps. Sounds silly, but also makes sense. I figure it can't hurt.

My steri strips were hanging on for dear life for some reason, and I desperately wanted to see what I had going on under there, so I (very carefully) peeled them off...wow. I totally look like a science experiment gone wrong. Even though I have seen plenty of pictures online, I hadn't really prepared myself mentally for what it would actually look like. I'm not usually a queasy person, but I literally almost fainted when I saw my incision. I had to sit down on the edge of the bed, put my head down and take a few deep breaths. My hands feel tingly even as I type about it. It was a pretty unreal, freaky feeling. Anyways, once I got over the initial shock of it all, I washed the incision(s) really well with some surgical detergent and recovered it with 3M paper tape as per my surgeon's instructions (I will do this weekly for 3-4 months) and now it's out of sight, out of mind again. Oh! I almost forgot, I got to see my new belly button too, it's pretty funky looking still but I am hoping it will change some once the swelling goes down and the incision is all healed. At any rate, it's definitely FAR better than the wrinkled prune of a BB I had before. The whole BB thing has been so important to me, it's what really prompted me to do this in the first place. As a side note, I am estranged from my mother, so it is kind of a ceremonious "cutting the cord"...literally. *giggle*

Alright people, lunch is calling my name. Sorry this post was so boring and gore-less. Ah, what the heck, I may as well ruin your lunch while I am here:

Bitchy n' Itchy

Yesterday was my first day on my own with the kids, from 1pm-10:30pm. I almost blogged about it last night, but I think getting my hands on any type of communication/writing tools would have resulted in my suicide note, so I refrained and went to bed instead. Here's a fragment: at one point, as I was sobbing uncontrollably, there was an entire loaf of french bread strewn across the living room, and one kid was phoning his Dad at work to tell him that I hit him (I hadn't actually, I had grabbed him by his arm because he was trying to run out the front door) so needless to say, morpheine was on the menu last night at bedtime.

Today, however, is a new day. The kids were (surprisingly) fairly well behaved and the house stayed relatively clean. Unfortunately, I have a whole new batch of "symptoms" stemming from the TT. Firstly, a lower back that feels as though it's been transplanted from a 138 year old with scoliosis. I'm not too sure if this is from sleeping in a semi-upright position or walking like a hunchback or a combo of both, all I know is that I would cut off my right boob to be able to go to the chiropractor right now (ok maybe not, the boob was pretty pricey...how about a finger?) - I actually think my back hurts more than my stomach today. Number two...no, not THAT kind of #2, I already put you through that image last week...the itchiest freaking incision ever. I guess it doesn't help that it's like 3 feet long and is covered up by a 80% mesh-20% cardboard girdle that runs from my tits to my hips. I am ready to rake myself raw and the more I try not to think about it, the itchier it gets. It reminds me of when someone talks about kids getting infested with head lice, and your first instinct is to scratch your head (you did it, didn't you?) ...and last but definitely not least, an itchy crotch. I am normally a regular "bikini shaver" but am not really able to because of the drain incision sites, so the pubes are coming in and I am walking around like Al Bundy with my hand down my pants all day, but without the "happy ending". I actually scratched so hard and so much that when I went to the bathroom earlier dozens of flakes of dry skin flew out of my underwear when I pulled them down, like bits of confetti. SURPRISE!!

You didn't actually think I was going to blog without making you cringe, did you?

9 days later...

So yesterday was a great day for me. I felt fantastic all day. Still "sore" but not in any real pain. Still hunchbacked though, and definitely in slow motion. We actually went to a friends house for dinner last night which had been planned for a couple of weeks, although I had sent her a message on Thursday saying I wasn't too sure it was going to happen since I was not doing very well at that point. But as mentioned in my last posting, I am human again!!! Also, the friends we were visiting not only knew about my surgery, but she has been there, done that so knows my limitations and expected nothing of me. Those of you who actually know me know that I am very hands on and even if someone else is entertaining, I am always helping out, tidying up, etc. It's my slight OCD that kicks in! Anyways, I felt good about going there knowing it would just be a nice, relaxing visit and some good eats. I'll admit, I was extra tired when we got home, and my back was really sore, but nothing major. Half decent sleep (despite being woken by jackass neighbors at 4:30am but that's a post for another day) and a good day so far today. We've been up to the in laws to bring a Father's Day card, and are going to head out again shortly to run a few errands (I use the term run very loosely) and then have a nice bbq dinner at home.

Here are some pics taken yesterday. As you can see, the incision is pretty ugly at this point still (and will be for months, sometimes they get worse before they get better) and the "puckering" you see along the incision is temporary according to my surgeon, as the skin relaxes it smooths out and disappears entirely. BUT all that remains of my 1,053 (or was it 63?) stretch marks are the tiny few you can see just above the incision line in the very middle. Those babies were above my belly button before, I recognize them! Speaking of belly buttons, how weird is is that I have no idea what mine is going to look like?? I am excited for the steri-strips to fall off (couple of weeks) just to take a glimpse at it.



and another, just to show how the incision is covered by underwear and probably pretty much whatever else I want to wear in the future :)

Guts n' Gore

So just to stay consistent, I'll preface this post with the same as the Poopy Post. This one is not not not for the faint of heart.

Not the greatest sleep last night, I just couldn't get comfortable and had a bit of a stomachache (hahaha you're thinking hey dumbass, obviously your stomach aches. But the real kind of stomachache) so I was pretty tired this morning. I got up, much more quickly than even yesterday, and even with the lack of shuteye, could definitely feel I was over the hump. Yahoo!!! I did a little jig. You all know I am lying, but it sounds good.

Washed my hair, put on makeup (yes, yes I did!!) got dressed and headed out with the hub and kids. He dropped me at the surgery centre where I was greeted by the sweetest little nurse who was taking my drains out. She helped me get onto the exam table, removed my girdle and peeled all my bandaging off. For whatever unknown sick, twisted reason, I lifted my head off the bed and took a peek. WTF was I thinking. OMG. My face got hot, my skin got clammy and my legs started to shake. The drains were sticking out of my {grotesquely swollen} pubic area...this was something I was completely unaware of. If I didn't fully feel "alien" before, I sure the hell did now. I wanted to run. Of course we all know how far I would have gotten. Anyways, I calm myself and I grab a hold of the sides of the bed (mostly because I knew I would probably knock her sweet little teeth out if I didn't), closed my eyes, breathed deeply and thought nice things. Happy place, happy place. She started clipping the stitches that were holding the drains in and it was kind of a pinching feeling, nothing overly bad. Then she says "ok, I am going to pull the first drain out now" ...... people, I can't even begin to describe the sensation. Like a mutant snake wriggling it's way through your flesh and guts, reminiscent of the infamous Sigourney Weaver in Alien scene. I actually wanted to vomit, but kept myself under control throughout the removal of both drains, with deep breaths. Happy place. Ahhhhhhhh. We're done. Eyes open. What do I see? The bitch is holding up the mutant snake over my face for ME TO LOOK AT. You have GOT to be kidding me. It's white, 8-10" in length (yes, TWO of those INSIDE my body) and sort of reminds me of a garden hose. The kind with little holes throughout. And best of all, it's covered in blood. My blood. The blood that has been pooling in my guts where I have been sliced open. Fanfuckingtastic. When's lunch?

I make my way to sitting position, and she asks me if I'm OK. Um not really! Like, duh! It takes me a few minutes to compose myself, and I get up to leave. OMG. I suddenly feel like a completely different person. The discussion board post "I felt human again" doesn't even begin to describe it. I suddenly want to hug the nurse who I just wanted to hit. I am a brand new woman. I keep telling my husband how I can't believe how much better I feel with the drains out. I just can't believe it. Have I mentioned how much I can't believe it??? I have been up and about all day, which is part of the reason it took me so long to post. Taking it easy, but not dying in bed. I'm still wearing some padding over the drainage site, as it's still leaking blood and fluid (just a bit) and it's super swollen. But, all in all, I'm so much better!

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WARNING! I'm gonna be nice and say it again...if you have a weak stomach (or just don't want to see any portion of my vajayjay) -------------- don't. scroll. down. !!!!

Sweet Mother of Gawd!

OK! I had every intention of posting a positive, upbeat, smiley, shiny update this morning....and then I SNEEZED. OMG WTF MF! Wowza!!! It hurt so bad I literally felt like vomiting immediately after and my palms are still sweating all over my laptop keyboard.

Excrutiating pain aside, I had a GREAT night. YAY!! *round of applause* Hubby and I watched a movie in bed until midnight (during which he made a few sexual innuendos, I'm sure you can all guess how well that played out for him) and then I took a morpheine and slept like a baby. I have found the perfect sleeping position where I feel almost no pain. I actually found it by accident yesterday while trying to get comfy taking a nap, and am so thankful I did. I'm all propped up on my pillows, and I slide my arms underneath my bum until my hands are under my bum (palms facing mattress) and I support my hips on my forearms, legs straight out but elevated under knees with a thick pillow. Now you think I am a weirdo (I say this as if you didn't already) but I don't care...I had a great sleep!!! The only reason I woke up so early this morning was because my stupid neighbor was outside having his morning ciggy and he hacks up a good portion of his lung along with it. It's awful, ugh. Anyways, this was around 6am, but I'm betting I would have slept straight through until the alarm at 7:45 if not for the Cancer Cough outside my window.

Not only did I sleep well, but I shaved like 5 full minutes off my getting out of bed-peeing-getting back in bed time. This is HUGE. If you're a runner like I am, imagine shaving that much time off your 10K!! Seriously!! I'm freaking stoked. I feel so good that I think I might venture downstairs for a bit this afternoon. I won't overdo it, I'll just chill on the couch but it will be so nice to see something other than the 4 walls of this bedroom. I have almost forgotten what the rest of my house even looks like.

Tomorrow I get the drains out...can't even begin to explain how much I am looking forward to that. These things are a pain in the ass. I'm going to post a pic so you can see what I am dealing with.



Someone on a discussion forum posted that they felt "human" after their drains were out and I couldn't have said it better myself. I feel like an alien, T minus 26 hours to feeling human again.

Gun, anyone?

I think last night was the worst yet. I must have woken up 100 times because of the pain. Oh and yes I did take a morpheine before bed too. It's a different kind of pain, I'm not even sure how to describe it. Like a million giant-sized needles poking from the inside out and then squeezing my guts together like a vice grip. Sounds fun, no? I'm not going to lie, for the first time throughout this I actually wished I could rewind the clock and chicken out before hitting the OR. I would be sleeping away in my bed, on my tummy, cuddled up to my man, drooling on my pillow and NOT because of morpheine. Covered in stretch marks mind you, but sleeping in ignorant bliss nonetheless.

The first thing I did this morning was look at last night's pictures again, as a reminder of WHY I did this. I really think that's what will get me through the next few days/weeks. I mean I think it's safe to assume I will be pleased with the end result, hell I am already happy with how it looks and I still have a long ways to go.

I am now comfortably numbed by my new BFF the frozen peas, and awaiting breakfast in bed served by my hunky man nurse. I have to give him another shout out, he has been absolutely amazing, tending to my every need around the clock.

On another good note, I only emptied out 20cc's from my drains this morning so it looks like my scheduled appointment to have them out Friday will be a go. I keep clinging to some form of hope that things will be a bit better with them out, hopefully it won't be a giant let-down.

Thanks for reading =)

On a Lighter Note...

...I just uploaded some photos and am in absolute AWE at how tight he has pulled my skin. Check out the scar just over to the top right of my belly button (it was a mole that I had removed that is now growing back through the incision scar)



You ready for this? Check out the after pic...look where the scar is now. Totally CRAZY!!!

TMI Alert!

If you're faint of heart or you blush at the mere thought of bodily functions or you just simply want to be able to look me in the eye the next time you see me, I strongly recommend clicking the "X" on the top right of your screen and coming back another day.

So as mentioned in my previous post, up until an hour ago, I had yet to "Number Two". Let me just say that was about the worst experience of this whole thing BY FAR. But, a full hour on the toilet, a permanent ring marked on my cheeks, some tears (yes, there was actual crying involved) and some sweat on my brow, I'm about 5lbs lighter. I am literally in agony though, I swear I blew a few stitches in the process. I don't know what else I could have done to prevent this, I drank plenty of fluids and ate lots of light, good foods (fruit, bread/cereal with lots fibre, etc) - I guess it's just a super shitty (literally) side effect of the anaesthetic and meds. We don't realize just how much we use our ab muscles for every day occurances like BM's...but seriously, we do. Go on, give a mock push. I know you want to.

I'm back in bed with an ice pack on (I really should have one on my arse as well), and hubby is at the drugstore buying some stool softener. I cannot go through this again.

Just keepin' it real. Hope you come back tomorrow, I promise no more poopy talk!!

Off the Dope

Had a fairly decent sleep last night. I do wake up every couple hours and slightly reposition myself in fear of waking up with bedsores or some other gross thing, but aside from that my sleep was good. I couldn't be bothered to get up and medicate when I was due at 2:30am, mostly because I didn't have to pee so the whole excruciating process of wiggling up the pillows, pulling one leg at a time over the bed and gently rocking myself into a sitting position over the course of 15 minutes just seemed like a lot of work. So I am pain med free. Not pain free just yet, but I have to admit it has changed drastically in the last 12hrs or so...my guts feel very tight, almost like they are seizing up. Not painful, just different. Hopefully this is a good thing, part of the healing process.

Ok, suddenly I feel guilty saying I am med free. I did just take a pain pill but it's basically a glorified Advil so I'm not sure that counts considering I have been downing morpheine like the candy coated drops of heaven it is. I'll see how I do today without the morpheine and depending how that goes for me, may take 1 before bed time tonight. My main reason for stopping is because yesterday my husband came in the room to check on me and he turned around to leave right away...and I called out "where you going?" and he told me he thought I was asleep because my eyes were closed, mouth was open and I was drooling. Awesome, considering I was AWAKE. Eek, gotta love narcotics! My 2nd reason (which I will blog more about later today) is because one of the lovely side effects of morpheine is constipation and well, let's just say I'm so full of shit my eyes are brown.

The Spongebath

Nothing overly new to report. Same level of pain and discomfort as yesterday and still as hunched when walking. Definitely putting Notre Dame to shame over here. The lack of sleep is getting to me a bit, so I am trying to catch as much dozy shut eye as I can, usually about an hour after my morpheine/gravol cocktail. As soon as my eyes start to roll back in my head, I go with it.

Hubby helped me wash my hair in the tub today. I got down on my knees and used the edge of the tub for support. Not the most comfortable position, but the trailer trash hairdo wasn't exactly working out for me either, I could have greased a frying pan with it. I also washed my pits and crotch (such a lady, I know), washed my face, brushed and flossed my teeth and put on deodorant and fresh clothes.

I feel like a million bucks and I'm ready to rock...who wants to hit up the beach?

The Third Day

So I am doing much better today. I haven't gotten out of bed since my appointment yesterday morning except to pee and I think the rest and constant icing is really helping. I even managed to get myself out of bed unassisted late last night and have done it alone ever since. I'm not going to lie, the reason I did it was because my husband sat outside yesterday in the 28+ degree weather and had a few beer and when he came in, he smelled like he bathed at the Budweiser brewery so I shooed him away and managed on my own. All in all it was good for me. The meds do make me a little nauseated, but a little Gravol to wash down the morpheine definitely helps.

I am still walking hunched over, but the slightest bit straighter today. I'm not exaggerating when I say that yesterday my body was at a 90 degree angle when I walked, I looked ridiculous. Today I just look like I dropped a contact lense and am searching for it, lol.

I have been positively blown away by the amount of encouragement and support I have gotten from everyone through this. I have not been overly secretive about it (gotta love Facebook to air your private details) and the influx of emails and phone calls has just been awesome. I am truly blessed to have such thoughtful and supportive friends. I'm not usually a sappy person, so perhaps it's the delicious morpheine talking, but whatever. I love you, man! LOL!

Going to take another bathroom trip empty my disgusting little drains and maybe grab a snack. I've been eating very light (jello, grapes, rice cakes, frozen fruit bars, etc) and keeping hydrated with ice water and antioxidant infused juice.

I'll be back!

The Comparison

This was last night, mere hours after surgery. I was doing great, happier than a pig in dirt blogging and Facebooking away...



Fast forward to today, mere hours ago. Yes, I'm wearing shades. Despite the welfare-style blanket my husband so lovingly hung covering the blinds, it's still too bright. I'm eating jello, and dying a slow and miserable death. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but I sure don't feel like I did last night!



I've had to pee for over an hour, but am too chicken shite to get up and go. lol how ridiculous! I can hear you all giggling from here!

The Post-op Appointment

Well, I survived, if only barely. I moaned the whole way down there and my hubby had to put me in a wheelchair when we got there. Getting out of the truck onto the sidewalk was a daunting task, I am sure passerby wondered what the hell was going on. There's me, in a cute flowy low cut top (the only reason I am wearing it is because it hides the drains) and Paris Hilton sized sunglasses, being wheeled into a private surgical facility. I felt like a celeb, I wonder if the paparazzi snapped any good pics?

Doc removed the girdle for maybe 5 minutes, ahhhh glorious freedom. Everything looks good according to him. Holy crap my abs are ROCK HARD, it's freakin' amazing.

Back home in bed, medicated. Off to take a nap and have some morpheine induced dreams of unicorns and butterflies.

Catch ya later.

edited to add: Pardon the nipple shot, whoops! At least it wasn't on my Christmas card like Elaine from Seinfeld!

The Rude Awakening

So the Happy Camper I was I am no longer. The IV meds have worn off and the pain is keeping me wide awake. Getting up to pee is a chore, and wiping is like Mission Impossible. Think camping trips where you forget your TP. Good times.

I have absolutely NO clue how I am going to make it down the stairs, out to the truck, IN the truck, and up to his office for a follow-up in 5.5 hours. Seriously. I feel like I have been gutted like a fish, only the bastards forgot to club me to death first.

FML!!! And for those of you unfamiliar with this acronym it means Fuck My Life. Can I say that here? Will the Blogger Gods come and strike me down? That would actually be welcomed at this point. LOL

OK more later, hubby is seemingly annoyed with the fact that the brightness from the laptop has turned our dark room into a tanning bed.

The Aftermath

So I'm home. Surgery ended up being 3 hours and I was in recovery for 4 hours. The pain level while laying propped up is tolerable, but standing makes me feel like my guts are going to explode. I'm walking slowly and like a total hunchback, can't straighten up at all. The worst part was getting up the stairs at home, but hubby helped me and now I am all geared up in bed with my 50 pillows and my laptop, so I am a happy camper =)

My husband is amazing, he even came and sat with me for 2 hours in recovery while Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final was on. Ok ok so he popped out a couple times to check the score, but still. If you knew my husband, this is a BIG deal! And he has beautiful lillies on my bedside table. Thanks babe!

This girdle is to die for, it's beige with brown stripes and sits from under my tatas right to my pubic bone. Sexxxy! The drains are like added accessories, a real finishing touch to my ensemble. I'll post a pic in a bit.

I'll write more later, brain is a lil foggy from the narcotics. I kinda like it LOL

THE Picture - Part II

I'm not going to say much...they say a picture is worth a thousand words, right?




Wish me luck today. I'll post when I can.

The Pictures - Part I

Before I put forth "Operation Shock 'n Awe" tomorrow morning with a bare tummy pic, I'll post a clothed picture. As I have mentioned, it is flat. I am not at all unhappy with how I look with clothes on. I think this part of the reason that people look at me like I have 2 heads when I tell them I need a TT. Ok maybe not need, want...whatever...it's all relative in my mind. In order to feel 110% comfortable in my own body, I NEED this. I can live with the few stretch marks on my thighs, I am even alright with the bit of cottage cheese under my butt cheeks (thanks Mom)...but the tummy has haunted me for a dozen years. I seek out shirts that are long enough so that they won't shrink or ride up and show any of my hideous belly. And low rise jeans...FORGET IT. Even tankinis are out of the question. Ironically, the only time I actually liked my belly throughout those 12 years was when I was pregnant...because then the stretch marks are SO stretched that they disappear! Yay! That's probably also the only thing I like about being pregnant. I am so not one of "those" women who live for the whole 10 months of bliss Hell, know what I mean?

Oh before I post the pic....funny story....I was on MSN with my husband's friend last night. He had messaged me to see if we're going to be around this weekend as him and his GF are coming to town. I explained that we would be, and that perhaps they could come for a quick visit with the hub, but that I would be banished to my bedroom, moaning and wishing I was dead. I told him I was getting a tummy tuck and this was his response..."oh, you lazy ass!"....OMFG if I could have ripped through my cute little laptop screen, I would have. What an ass. Spoken like a man, who has never carried babies and worked their friggin' ass off (literally) afterwards to regain their body and only be able to do so much. ok end rant :)

Here's me, in all my tummy tuck wanting glory:

To Be Continued....be sure to bring your sunglasses next time!!!!

The Guilt

So I was laying in bed this morning wondering what to blog about today, and the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my TT (I'm going to use this acronym from now on if that's cool with you, it's much easier than Tummy Tuck or Abdominoplasty) is the all consuming guilty conscience. What is it about doing something solely for the benefit of ourselves that causes this phenomenon? If you figure it out, let me know.

I have spent 16 years being a Mother. Yes, that's right...sixteen. And I'm 31. Do the math and please don't judge. I gave up my teen years, and then did it all over again at 19. I have already spent more than half my life doing what most people don't start until they are my age. Late night feeds, diapers, cooking, cleaning, playing referee, taxi driving, buying school supplies, Christmas concerts, kissing boo-boos better...the list goes on. Any of you who are parents know exactly what I am talking about. It's hard work. Selfless, time consuming and stressful. Thankfully it's also rewarding, otherwise we wouldn't keep doing it. Or maybe we're just stupid. No, it's rewarding, I will keep telling myself that.

I feel like there is so much to feel guilty about. Mostly the money. We're not financing the operation, we paid in cash. So that should be a good thing, right? Well, not really. I see it as money that could be better spent on something that everyone in this family can reap the benefits of. We want to buy a travel trailer to take the kids camping in the summers. We want to buy a boat. We need to buy a house (long story, we had a horrible real estate experience last year and are hoping to break back into the market in the Spring) - and this just pushes those things back a few months. I know that I will make this money back in just a couple of months when I start working in September, which again is the whole reason I am doing this now, but somehow nearly emptying our "cushion" account puts me in panic mode. What will people think? What will my family think? Oh, screw my family I don't care what they think anyways, they talk about me no matter what. Hubby's family is more important to me, and we haven't told them yet. Why? THE GUILT. The fear of being judged. Of being talked about behind my back. I'm not generally a person who cares about this kind of thing, but it's eating me alive this time.

There's more than just the cost too. It's June. And Hallelujah, it's *finally* sunny. It's quite possibly the crummiest timing ever for me to be having this type of surgery. The recovery is rough, long and I have to wear a girdle 24 hours a day (except to shower) for 3 months. Yes, three months. How sexy is that? Ideally, a person would do this in Fall or Winter and be all ready to rock the beaches in the Summer. Oh no, not me. I'm Amanda, and I do things the hard way or not at all. Go big or go home, I say. Truth be told, we didn't even start talking about it seriously until maybe 3 months ago, and we didn't come to the realization that this needed to be done now until maybe 2 months ago and I jumped on the first available surgery date. So, yeah, I am not only ruining my OWN summer, but that of everyone around me. I am not going to be able to spend days at the lake swimming, or going for long walks. So, more guilt.

Yet another reason to feel guilty is that my husband is taking 10 days of his vacation time to help me and to take care of household duties and kids while I am laid up in bed, barely able to move for the first week. Sure, he has more weeks of vacation, but do you honestly think he wants to spend his holidays waiting on me hand and foot, helping me wipe my own ass and emptying my blood filled drainage tubes? If he's looking forward to this, then we have bigger problems on our hands than my stretch marks. Seriously.

I could go on and on about the reasons why I feel this way, but in truth I don't even understand it myself. I should be happy, excited and looking forward to the outcome and instead all I can think about is this. Do I tell family? Or not tell at all? They would never notice, as I already said my tummy is pretty flat. Hmmm probably not an option anyways, this is a small town and everyone talks about everyone else. They are bound to find out and then that's probably worse, because then I LOOK guilty too, for having kept it a secret.

Mixed emotions suck.

The Story

Well, where to start? I guess it's probably a good idea to give you the short n' sweet Reader's Digest version for both of our sakes.

My 2nd pregnancy resulted in an 83lb weight gain and 1,653 stretch marks (approximately) and despite losing all the weight, my poor tummy was never to be the same again. I'm quite positive there are abs under there somewhere, it's just the inch of loose, wrinkled, stretch mark covered skin that prevents me from seeing or feeling them. I look like I got in a fight with Freddy Kruger and holy crap, did I lose in a big way. I have rented out my body for 4+ years of pregnancy, only to have it returned in worse condition each time. It's really too bad we can't charge the kiddos some sort of damage deposit to help fund future plastic surgeries. Bastards.

Fast forward 12 years and 2 more babies. I am 31 years old and in the best shape of my life. I have worked VERY hard to get to where I'm at. I've gained and subsequently lost over 200lbs total with my pregnancies and have been at a stable weight for the past 2 years. I eat clean, run and/or workout 5-6 days a week and take care of myself in every way possible. No amount of exercise can help me in the tummy. I'll talk more about it later in the week, possibly even post pictures but let's have a few get-to-know-you days before I make you want to gag, ok? Ok.

We are done having babies, in fact my husband is getting the old snipperoo in July. I desperately (desssssssperately!!!) want to go back to work full time in September now that my kids are a bit older. A 6 year hiatus from the "real world" and a paycheque (huh? what's that?) have been all too much for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but for the love of God, I need some brain stimulation. Spending the days wiping noses and asses is just not my thing. Works for some, just not me. I'm done. So, let's face it, if I am serious about going back to work in just a few months...this tummy tuck thing needs to be dealt with or it will simply never happen. Picture this:

Job Interview
Employer: When can you start?
Me: Anytime. But, I'm going to need 3-4 weeks off next year for plastic surgery
Employer: Absolutely, you're hired

Yeah right.

So, here we are. It's now or never and never isn't an option for me. My surgery is this Friday.

I'm. Freaking. Out.