The Guilt

So I was laying in bed this morning wondering what to blog about today, and the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my TT (I'm going to use this acronym from now on if that's cool with you, it's much easier than Tummy Tuck or Abdominoplasty) is the all consuming guilty conscience. What is it about doing something solely for the benefit of ourselves that causes this phenomenon? If you figure it out, let me know.

I have spent 16 years being a Mother. Yes, that's right...sixteen. And I'm 31. Do the math and please don't judge. I gave up my teen years, and then did it all over again at 19. I have already spent more than half my life doing what most people don't start until they are my age. Late night feeds, diapers, cooking, cleaning, playing referee, taxi driving, buying school supplies, Christmas concerts, kissing boo-boos better...the list goes on. Any of you who are parents know exactly what I am talking about. It's hard work. Selfless, time consuming and stressful. Thankfully it's also rewarding, otherwise we wouldn't keep doing it. Or maybe we're just stupid. No, it's rewarding, I will keep telling myself that.

I feel like there is so much to feel guilty about. Mostly the money. We're not financing the operation, we paid in cash. So that should be a good thing, right? Well, not really. I see it as money that could be better spent on something that everyone in this family can reap the benefits of. We want to buy a travel trailer to take the kids camping in the summers. We want to buy a boat. We need to buy a house (long story, we had a horrible real estate experience last year and are hoping to break back into the market in the Spring) - and this just pushes those things back a few months. I know that I will make this money back in just a couple of months when I start working in September, which again is the whole reason I am doing this now, but somehow nearly emptying our "cushion" account puts me in panic mode. What will people think? What will my family think? Oh, screw my family I don't care what they think anyways, they talk about me no matter what. Hubby's family is more important to me, and we haven't told them yet. Why? THE GUILT. The fear of being judged. Of being talked about behind my back. I'm not generally a person who cares about this kind of thing, but it's eating me alive this time.

There's more than just the cost too. It's June. And Hallelujah, it's *finally* sunny. It's quite possibly the crummiest timing ever for me to be having this type of surgery. The recovery is rough, long and I have to wear a girdle 24 hours a day (except to shower) for 3 months. Yes, three months. How sexy is that? Ideally, a person would do this in Fall or Winter and be all ready to rock the beaches in the Summer. Oh no, not me. I'm Amanda, and I do things the hard way or not at all. Go big or go home, I say. Truth be told, we didn't even start talking about it seriously until maybe 3 months ago, and we didn't come to the realization that this needed to be done now until maybe 2 months ago and I jumped on the first available surgery date. So, yeah, I am not only ruining my OWN summer, but that of everyone around me. I am not going to be able to spend days at the lake swimming, or going for long walks. So, more guilt.

Yet another reason to feel guilty is that my husband is taking 10 days of his vacation time to help me and to take care of household duties and kids while I am laid up in bed, barely able to move for the first week. Sure, he has more weeks of vacation, but do you honestly think he wants to spend his holidays waiting on me hand and foot, helping me wipe my own ass and emptying my blood filled drainage tubes? If he's looking forward to this, then we have bigger problems on our hands than my stretch marks. Seriously.

I could go on and on about the reasons why I feel this way, but in truth I don't even understand it myself. I should be happy, excited and looking forward to the outcome and instead all I can think about is this. Do I tell family? Or not tell at all? They would never notice, as I already said my tummy is pretty flat. Hmmm probably not an option anyways, this is a small town and everyone talks about everyone else. They are bound to find out and then that's probably worse, because then I LOOK guilty too, for having kept it a secret.

Mixed emotions suck.